Out of the Blue, Into the Blank

“The torment that raged, out of the blue, last night has settled.  And for now, … I am finding my peace.”

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Last night I had a good cry. Not the pretty, show in the movie kind, either.  One of those catch you out of the blue, out of nowhere, and knock you right off your feet kind.

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I guess maybe a “good” cry is too kind a term for it. I’m an emotional gal. I am used to tears.  This experience was something different, something altogether unexpected, as if I was being turned inside out and washed in tears, body and soul.  It was brutal, and it wasn’t the kind that lasted for a few minutes.  I think I cried for a good two hours.  And in that time I was the most emotionally raw, open, and utterly alone I have ever felt.  I was truly and utterly devastated.

Sure, it’s the holidays.  A normally stressful time of the year, especially for a single mom.  Thing is, miracle of miracles, after a seven year divorce and custody battle, things have actually been ok lately.  The ex and I have even agreed on things, worked together on projects for the kids over the past year, and even (daresay) gotten along.

I have been sick.  Not sure if it was the flu, some lovely cold one of the kids brought home, or (I’m more and more convinced as time goes on, thanks Netflix) it’s some alien/demon strain virus that just won’t vacate.  Whatever it is, the evil perpetrator has kicked off another round of migraines.

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I suppose I should throw in there that I am dealing with the sudden loss of a loved one. Someone I cherished with all my heart.  A loss that I think (thought?) and everyone around me assures, including my counselor, that I am handling well.  Staying positive, focusing on all the love and lessons he left the kids and I is hard but I truly believe that I am far better for having had him in my life, so this pain is worth every second I got to spend with him.

Funny how in the depths of despair, in the moments when I was at the darkest I received silly Instagram messages from my college age daughter and snow day questions from my son to remind me I wasn’t alone.  This as my big pup worried and tried to dry my eyes while Chassis curled into my lap.

This morning, as the snow plow breaks the morning silence I find that my chest is more relaxed, like I had been holding it tense without knowing it.   Occasional tears escape as I write this, but I feel as blank this morning as the new blanket of snow that has started Christmas Vacation early for the kids.   The torment that raged, out of the blue, last night has settled.  And for now, in this bit of white blank space, I think (hope) I may finally be finding my peace.

Wishing you all Peace and Comfort this Holiday Season!  God Bless ❤️