I have mentioned in previous posts that depression an I have a rocky relationship, its like a sneaky shadow ninja that lurks around the periphery of my little world. Once it can find some small crack to bleed through, it latches on to dim not just the sun, but the moon and stars too. I’ve gotten better at sensing the infiltration, repairing the cracks, and lighting candles to combat the darkness. Just like all of us, I’m a work in progress.
Holidays can be particularly difficult. Last Christmas season I had to talk to my children about how it was going to be a pretty lean time, and that under the tree wouldn’t look all that impressive. My kids are wonderful, it didn’t matter to them, they were just excited that we would be able to wake up together and have a special breakfast. Their total acceptance and support of me was both one of my proudest parenting moments and heart shattering. And I felt the crack. And it was a big one. Damn ninja didn’t even have to sneak in this time.
The kids left for their biweekly long weekend with their dad, leaving me with great big hugs and kisses and I shut down for 4 of the next 5 days. I became a virtual recluse, except for taking out Chassis for his daily walks, I isolated myself. Shades closed, curtains drawn. Only went off the property to get groceries. I just couldn’t handle the “Christmas Spirit” with its bows, pretty papers, and songs feeling like I was failing at it all.
By Sunday I knew I had to readjust, had to mine for that silver lining. I wasn’t really sure
of the plan, but I knew I needed to get out of my house and out of my head for a bit. So I decided I would head down to Saratoga Springs and walk the shops, if nothing else Broadway is a beautiful walk and I could treat myself to a hot cocoa with the $20 I had in my pocket.
It felt good to be outside in the fresh air. It actually felt good to be surrounded by people and the entire vibe was happy, and I drank it in. As I walked I noticed a young man leaning against the kitchen exhaust fan of one of the popular restaurants. I smiled at him, thinking as the wind blew, what a brilliant place to stand to warm up. I continued my meandering and window shopping, every step chasing that nasty little ninja from the recesses of my mind. I stopped to warm up with a hot cocoa after finding a perfect little ornament for my mom. I had found that acceptance of the situation, I had a plan, I found my center again. I thought that was my silver lining. But the Universe presented me with a far greater gift…
As I made my way back to the car, I noticed the same young man standing in the same spot. Now, my mama bear hackles were raised. Why was this kid still there? It was cold, windy. And he had to be cold, which made me cold. As I crossed the street, I made a beeline for him. When I started to speak, he looked up in alarm, until he heard the question. “Hey there, you look pretty cold out here. How about we go find a spot to go get a hot cocoa and warm up?” I think it took him a full 30 seconds to reply, he kind of looked at me like I had 3 heads. When I offered up the place I had just been, he actually asked if it was OK to go somewhere closer. His eyes sparkled like my kids do when they beg for a stop at Krispy Kreme on our travels as he described how this place had these flavor shots you could add that make the absolute best tasting drink. “If its OK, could I please get that? Its OK if you say no, they are just so good”.
The sparkle and smile transformed his face, that scruffy, slightly dirty, sad man returned to the boy he really was, probably 19 or 20. So excited about a simple treat! This young man had no idea what a gift he’d just given me, that genuine joy not only beat that nasty little ninja but sealed the crack! Now to enjoy this. I smiled, weaved my arm into his as we crossed the street and said “Order anything you want, I have it covered!”
The looks we got as we entered the cafe arm in arm were priceless. My new friend offered to pull away, but I held steady. His head dropped as we went to place our order and everyone stared. The first question was “Eat in or To Go?” and I answered eat in *collective gasp* His head pops up, he looks me in the eye and smiles. The cashier gives me a smile. Then the cashier asked for the order. “My friend is cold and thirsty, but he just loves your cocoa here. Go ahead and tell them EXACTLY how you want it sweets. And make sure you grab him a pastry, too (my new friend starts to protest) If he won’t choose one himself, pick the most expensive.”
“This is too much” my new friend whispers. “Wish I could do more” I whisper back. He picks out a pastry, gets his cocoa just like he wanted. Watching him take that first sip was beautiful, he was in bliss. I get him to a table, give him a hug and whisper God Bless.
I have looked for him on return visits. Have not seen him around, but have heard that he is doing ok still. I spent less that $5 on his snack, but what he gave me back that day is more than he will ever know. The opportunity to offer compassion, dignity, recognition made ME feel whole and fulfilled, and all I really did for him was fill his belly and give him a legitimate reason to be inside and get warm. His bliss over that hot cocoa is one of the candles I keep lit to combat the darkness, and I am forever grateful he allowed me to buy him a cup!
I think sometimes we forget that in helping others, we help ourselves. We are a species meant to be connected, and today as you take the time to finish reading this, know that I am sending you a healing thought, a big smile, and a hug! Blessings to you all, friends! 🙂